The deep exhale when I touch something so still and vast inside of me that is not me, but of which I am a part. Pieces of peace. I collect them like treasures on the beach, stones and shells and sticks, I turn them over in my hands, look at the texture of them and imagine where they came from. I offer thanks and take them home, praying for the energy to come with them. I place them in spots I will see them and hope to remember.

Sometimes I do. Sometimes they fade into the background as life keeps life-ing, just like the precious moments of heart ease when the mind agrees to rest without going to sleep.

I want more of this so I work on it. Sometimes I work too hard and it becomes work and something is lost in it. I am always forgetting and remembering that “working on it” is about efforting less. Letting go. Moving slow. Stepping into the discomfort of the transition between states that offers no immediate reward.

“Working on it” is wobbling around like a toddler on new legs, holding on to things to steady the new standing, collapsing on my cushioned seat when tired, using the old reliable crawl when I just need to get somewhere. Hoping someone holds out their arms and looks delighted for me to make it to them. That one can be harder to come by, or perhaps truthfully harder to acknowledge I need, in this adult form I pressure incessantly to stand on its own.

Peace is what my heart craves, and it comes with coming to terms with my pieces, all my parts that are vying to be heard and seen, or hiding away because there’s no room, or the noise overwhelms them, or they just plain don’t know how. The parts of me that are chattering away to maintain homeostasis, that think they’re helping, that are confused why the old way no longer works. The parts that are just little, sad, or scared. The parts that simply need my love.

All these pieces of me are treasures too, like sticks and shells and stones. If I allow them to come ashore, I can look at them, hold them, love them, and let the vastness draw them back into itself where the peace comes in belonging. 💜